Ganja Vibes®️ first concepts were brought to life through design by the great industrial designer C. C. IV. This image is from the morning we poured up the very first Mary Jane Vibrator®️ prototype. C.C. IV had worked not only as a industrial design professor, but also as an industrial designer for NASA many years when I contracted him to help. Now that he’s not, we may officially say….Ganja Vibes®️ Mary Jane Vibrator®️ is in fact, NASA grade design!
The launch of ‘Ganja Vibes’ brand adult novelty is right around the corner.
I get asked from time to time IF I actually make sex toys. The answer is, “YES, yes I do. Come over for a tupperware party and I’ll show you what is in store after you sign a non disclosure agreement”.
What I have conceived is a totally new concept, a niche in the adult novelty market.
You won’t find pictures of the upcoming designs. Not even after I was granted my patent(s) was I inclined to give these designs away. Which is what happens when you release your art and it’s not ready for sale through your manufacturing resources.
Manufacturing every day items, all the things you see and use without thinking twice….like even a straw for instance, these items go through many stages. Conception, research & development, design, prototyping, testing, redesigning, sourcing, art direction, sourcing certifiable manufacturing resources abroad, language barriers, importing/exporting and the list goes on. This all takes time.
I started Ganja Vibes because I absolutely love Cannabis. I love the lifestyle, I love the people, I love the opportunities. I love the smell, taste and effects of well grown marijuana plants. I love the ultimate results of very little to no negative impact, down side or challenge presented against the morals and ethics associated with being involved with Cannabis as a product produced and offered for sale organically, when the players respect the game. I love all the aspects about Cannabis that the government has not and will not be able to tarnish.
Cannabis had been pigeon holed into counter culture realms because of it’s illegal status. Drug culture has always intertwined with sex culture. So it was surprising that I was never able to find anything fun and sexy to infuse into my wild life unfolding.
I have spent the last couple of years branching out, networking, designing, auditing conventions & events, failing, winning, LEARNING- using every resource that presents itself to dig deeper into what I want. I have had people come, stay and go from my team who have done amazing work, 3 manufacturers in China in pocket to date, networked Ganja Vibes into knowing & interacting with major players in adult novelty & public cannabis platforms nationally and internationally.
All this has kept me busy while biding my time working out the manufacturing side of ‘what is’ Ganja Vibes.
Our latest big move, the transferring of our molds to a badass manufacturer with over 25 years experience in sex toy manufacturing and everything we could ever imagine to find success in the adult novelty market, has our back end coming full circle.
The Cannabis and Adult novelty industry move fast. If you have a great product someone will copy & sell it. One of the biggest challenges faced by companies that create a product in demand is meeting said demand. As much as I would have liked to produce and sell the earlier designs, I was not ready to overcome the obstacles that were presented prior to our latest alliance.
The Mary Jane Vibrator is on it’s way. Designed by myself and one of my best friends, Chip, who was an industrial engineer for NASA at the time we collaborated. Not only is the Mary Jane Vibrator Nasa grade design but it’s made for cannabis enthusiasts BY freaky ass cannabis enthusiasts.
As the line grows, my focus remains on multi-functional play toys that invoke the spirit of curiosity and light the fires of experimentation while lovingly leading you to ecstasy found in places unknown. While you light your bowls, dabs, spliffs or what have you alongside.
These toys are meant for personal use of course, but partner play is really where I was hoping they’d be utilized most. I have designed items that look fun, aren’t overly girly, have multi-applications and above all scream WEED!
Get ready to get high and get off. Play with each other, be wild, be free, be kinky!
By J. F. Sargent June 17, 2014
Sex is like a lifelong normalcy contest. To find happiness, you should spend every day worrying about the kinds of sex you like, and whether you’ll ever meet someone else who shares those likes. Then you comfort your untouched body by rubbing your hands all over it, wet though they may be with the sweat of anxiety and sadness. Ha! No, don’t do that. That sounds awful, and besides, if you spend all your time worrying, when will you have time to bone? You won’t! You will remain unboned, maybe forever.
So here’s my real-life advice for you, which I want you to remember forever — instead of worrying about what kind of sex you like (or, even worse, what kind of sex other people like, because nothing could ever be less important than something you don’t want to see and no one wants to show you), use this rule of thumb: “The freakier the sex, the better it is for me, according to science.” For example:
#5. BDSM Is Good for Your Psychological Health
Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
“BDSM” is an acronym that covers every weird, outlandish, disgusting, terrifying, and degenerate sex act that everyone you know is intimately familiar with (yes, everyone). If you’re a freak, then you know exactly what I’m talking about, and if the only thing you like is missionary position while a saxophone plays, then you’re the only person like that, and we’re all a bit scared of you.
At least be more interesting than ladybugs.
I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but everyone fucks weird. I seriously can’t stress this enough. The next time you’re in the living room of a friend or family member, look around. The old high school heirlooms have been in asses. That “funny” horse mask has been worn while boning. Why would anyone own more than one scarf if they weren’t using it to tie people up? Every belt is a collar, every tie is a blindfold, every sock has been stuffed into someone’s mouth. A friend of mine once asked me to help him move his dentist chair into his new apartment and no one even asked for or offered any explanation, because we all know what’s up with that, don’t we. OK, I’m lying a bit: I wasn’t sorry to be the one to tell you that at all.
Anyway, this is why society is crumbling, surely. That crazy shit can’t be good for you, which is why the DSM-V lists BDSM as an example of “paraphilia,” or “unusual sexual fixation.”
Why It’s Secretly Good for You:
Folks who indulge in BDSM are psychologically healthier than people who don’t. That’s right: Everyone who got irrationally angry at those last few paragraphs are less sane than the people who didn’t, and that’s the least shocking sentence I’ve ever written. People who indulge in the ol’ spanky-spank (or whatever) are more extroverted and open to new experiences (duhhhhhh), but also less neurotic, anxious, and paranoid. They were also more secure in their relationships, though that may have been because their partners were currently chained to their bed and hahaha, what a dumb and obvious joke.
#4. Polyamory Makes for Stronger Relationships
Anthony Ong/Digital Vision/Getty Images
“Polyamory” is a fancy Greek word for “open relationship,” which is a fancy English phrase for “We can fuck whomever we want, but we still love each other.” I am not a polyamorist, mainly because the very idea defies the real, human emotions that form the foundation of every relationship: jealousy, possessiveness, and not wanting your partners to enjoy themselves unless you’re sweating all over them.
Image Source/Digital Vision/Getty Images
My girlfriend hates seeing movies with me.
Why It’s Secretly Good for You:
Science says that polyamorous relationships are the best kind, but why would I trust Science? He’s just the guy who hangs out behind the 7-Eleven near my house and sells me experimental bear tranquilizers. He says all kinds of crazy shit. So I did some research and discovered that Science is, perhaps coincidentally, totally right. The reasoning is pretty simple: Because both parties are out there sowing their wild oats, or having wild oats … sown in them (I’m not sure what the female version of the euphemism is), communication becomes even more necessary.
For example: Polyamorous Charlie will say, “Hey, I like to fuck all the time, but sometimes you’re at work or whatever, so how about I fuck other people?” and then Polyamorous Ashley is all, “Hey that’s cool, dawg,” because that’s how they all talk. Bam. Communication. And as we all know, communication is the most important part of a relationship.
According to Science.
#3. Casual Sex Is Awesome (If You Do It for the Right Reasons)
Angel Herrero de Frutos/iStock/Getty Images
According to the nation’s insane old people, all the young kids with their pumped-up kicks are too focused on casual sex and ugly-bumping, and it’s destroying them as people. Look, you sluts, it’s not hard to explain: Every time you have sex, you give part of your soul to that person, so if you have too much sex, you’ll only have a little sliver of your own soul left, and what will you have received in return?
Oh, obviously, you get the soul of everyone you ever stuck it to. Sleeping around works the exact same way as the soul-stealing spell in Skyrim and that is just so rad. Or maybe every sex partner you’ve ever had is a Horcrux, and all those soul shards you’re carrying around are giving you magic powers. Right? No matter how you interpret this information, it makes casual sex better.
Play the field hard enough, and you will become an immortal sorcerer-god.
Why It’s Secretly Good for You:
I sorta went off on a tangent there, but I’m back on track now. According to actual science and not my dumbshit conjecture, casual sex actually is good for you — but only if you do it for the right reasons. The crazy, doom-saying old folks are at least partially correct: Casual sex is bad for you if you’re doing it to drown out your own lack of self-worth and feelings of inadequacy. But if you just like rubbing your genitals all over other people’s genitals, then it’s actually great for your self-esteem.
Now that I’ve typed it out, that seems like an obvious distinction. That applies to everything, right?
“I enjoy carrots!”
“Good, because carrots are good for you!”
“I eat eight bags of carrots every night because otherwise I never stop crying.”
“Well, OK, then you might have problems.”
Scott Griessel/iStock/Getty Images
“Like the fact that you’re a carrot slut.”
I know what you’re thinking: “Sarge, all this stuff is pretty taboo, but what about the real gross stuff?” I’m glad you asked.
#2. Period Sex Relieves Menstrual Cramps
Why It’s Secretly Good for You:
Please don’t skip this entry. I know you want to, because everyone is super grossed out by period blood, but I think it’s really important that we talk about it. While I know your hand is hovering over the scroll button, just itching to blast past this warm, drippy, and vaguely chunky entry on my article about body fluids, I’m going to ask you to please stop. Just for a second, stop.
And read this entry just like you would any other. I promise it’ll be good for you.
Anyway, it turns out that “parting the red sea” or whatever the hell you want to call it can help alleviate the more uncomfortable symptoms of the menstrual cycle because, in the words of my source, “the orgasmic contractions of the uterus offer a soothing internal massage.” Feel free to get those words tattooed on your bicep.
Plus, a lady’s nether bits tend to be more sensitive during her period, which makes sex even better than normal. So instead of poring over all the instruction manuals the Internet has to offer …
Me. I did that.
… put a towel down, quit being a baby, and proceed as normal.
#1. Masturbating at Work Is Good for the Economy
This is gonna be a tough sell, and I’m pretty sure no one in the Cracked office will ever want to meet my gaze in the hallway again, especially if I’m heading toward the bathroom. But I don’t care. I’m not doing this for my co-workers. I’m not even doing this for me. I’m doing this for freedom.
I think this section deserves its own subtitle:
Why Rubbing One Out in Your Office Bathroom Will Save America
by JF Sargent (Age 26)
There’s little dissent between the scientific and 12-year-old-me communities that one should masturbate as much as possible, although there are two arguments for it. My argument has always been that that Victoria’s Secret catalog is taking up otherwise valuable Terry Pratchett bookshelf real estate, so I may as well put it to use, while the scientific community insists that it’s because masturbation protects against prostate cancer in men and does about a thousand awesome things for women. I’m not sure what a tented cervix is, but that’s fine — why would I need to know that? It’s also worth noting that masturbating improves your mood, which is obvious, but important because I want to point out that being happy makes you live longer. In short, lots of masturbation = a long, happy life.
Now turn your eyes, squinted with effort and pleasure though they may be, to the workplace. According to this meticulously researched and brilliantly written article, science says that any business’ elderly employees consistently “are more productive, are more loyal, and make more money than their younger counterparts,” and yes, I did just quote myself. The only people more valuable than the old employees are the happy employees, since sad employees will destroy a company’s chances for survival. The implications are obvious: If we don’t allow employees to masturbate in the workplace, we may be putting the future of our entire civilization in jeopardy.
What This Means for You
Siri Stafford/Digital Vision/Getty Images
The overall trend is clear: Freakier sex means better lives. And we need to utilize this information in the place this matters most: the world of politics.
If we want our world leaders to be mentally stable, with a strong bedrock of emotional fortitude and the physical well-being to lead long, healthy lives, then we need to make sure they know how to get freaky in the sack. From now on, I propose that every candidate running for public office should base their campaign platform on how imaginative their sex life is. Scratch that: Instead of “should,” let’s make that “must.” Sexlections are my prediction for the future. Which means your job is clear: You must go buy every item on these lists (and this video) and spend the rest of your life working to become the hyper-sane sorcerer-god fuck machine we need, and lead our people to a new golden age.
by Nebula Haze
Table of Contents
- Tri-Leaf Seedlings
- Two-Toned Leaves
- Buds Growing from Center of Leaf
- THC-Filled Trichomes Can Grow Just About Anywhere
- Some Buds Make “Fox Tails”
- This is What Cannabis Roots Look Like
- Some Cannabis Seeds Carry “Twins”
- Vegetating Cannabis Plants Have an Amazing Ability to Heal
- Bright Light Can Bleach Plants White
- Cannabis Can Make “Sap”
- Cannabis Plants Are Always Moving
- Cannabis Plants Can “See”
- No One Knows How Cannabis Plants Determine Gender
- Cannabis Can Grow Taller Than a Tree in Just One Summer
- Cannabis Seeds Can Germinate Almost Anywhere Warm and Wet
Weird or What?
Nearly all cannabis seedlings, no matter how the seeds are sprouted, will start with just two leaves per set, like the following:
Normal cannabis seedling (2 leaves per set)
Every once in a while, growers will run into a “trileaf” seedling. This is a relatively common mutation, and you’re likely to run into it if you germinate a lot of cannabis seeds. 3-leaf cannabis seedlings should generally be treated like any other seedling.
They will grow about 1/3 more side branches than regular seedlings, so a 3-leaf seedling might be a good candidate for cannabis plant training or a ScrOG setup.
Tri-leaf cannabis seedlings (3 leaves per set)
Two-toned leaves usually have split coloring in a relatively straight line. This mutation often affects just one or two leaves on the whole plant, though sometimes you’ll get a whole stem or part of the plant that displays this characteristic.
The two-toned leaves don’t seem to have much effect on anything, but it’s kinda cool looking!
I believe this happens due to a type of “variegation” (wikipedia link) and may be due to “sectorial chimera”. Other plants besides cannabis plants can have this happen, too!
Not to be confused with a nutrient deficiency, this mutation usually affects just one or two leaves on the plant. Nothing to worry about! Sometimes half of the leaf will turn purple….
More commonly, half of the leaf will turn light yellow or even white.
Here’s a normal cannabis leaf. Unfortunately, as beautiful as these leaves are, they normally contain no THC.
Normal Cannabis Leaf
(no buds growing from the base)
Cannabis leaves that are growing buds
(these cannabis plants have THC-encrusted buds growing from center of leaves)
This is a mutation I’d love to see on my plants one day 🙂 Though strangely placed, these buds are like any other buds found on the plant. You just get a couple extra buds encrusted with THC & trichomes!
The following leaf-bud has grown a single calyx with a few pistils
Here’s another amazing plant – imagine what you could do with all the trim!
The following nug is almost 1/2 gram – Talk about a bonus!
Growers are breeding strains that produce more and more trichomes all over the plant.
Trichomes are small, glandular stalked resin glands that carry the majority of cannabinoids and THC produced by the cannabis plant.
A bud covered in trichomes will have an almost “sparkly” or “glittery” appearance. Cannabis breeders are selecting cannabis plants which produce more of these sparkly trichomes not just on buds, but on leaves and stems close to buds This is done with the purpose of getting more potency with the same amount of time, effort and space.
Crazy trichome closeup, thanks to Koma Trichome (find Koma on Facebook)
Bud with little foxtailing – common with Indica-based strains
(buds are rounded out, sometimes one foxtail visable near top)
Massive foxtailing can be a genetic trait, and certain strains will tend to produce foxtails all over their buds no matter what. This seems to happen most commonly with Haze and Sativa-based strains.
This way that buds can grow is named after “fox tails” because the buds tend to grow in a rounded shape with the fluffy hair-like pistils coming from the end.
Example of healthy foxtailing based on genetics
(notice how there are fox tails all over the bud, instead of just at the top)
However, massive foxtailing is often the result of heat or stress. You know that’s likely the case when the foxtailing seems to be happening most in the parts of the plant that are close to a heat or light source.
When a single foxtail keeps growing longer and longer, it is almost always a sign of some sort of major stress to the buds, most often heat.
This massively long foxtail was caused by heat
(it’s basically a very long and thin bud, and will likely never fill out)
Here’s another foxtail that was triggered by too much heat
The following bud erupted with foxtails after a heatwave
(the plant also suffered from nutrient stress, which can trigger foxtailing on its own)
This incredible roots picture was taken by grower Ramon. The plant was first grown in hydro (with the roots grown directly in water), then transferred to soil.
Twin tap roots can sometimes emerge from one cannabis seed. This is sort of like your seed having twins, because each new root has the potential to form into a separate plant.
“I had one of those on my first grow. Plant it, and once it sprouts up, you can GENTLY and CAREFULLY seperate the 2 plants and transplant one to a new pot. If you leave them both together, the stronger one will “starve” the weaker one, so to speak. When I split mine apart, they both grew nice and big :D”
From the grower, “When I got the seed it looked really deformed.”
“[Twin seeds are] fairly common. I’ve had some seedbatches that had ’round 30% ‘twins’. However, what I haven’t seen yet* is a set of twins that come out one male and one female. It’s odd, because the twins usually differ in various traits, they’re not really clones of each other. If one were to get a M/F pair of twins, an apomictic (wiki apomixis) cross could be made between the two, which would (in theory) produce a strain with stable traits in just one generation. “
*yet has been 46 years so far….
“This is a white widow a couple of weeks into flower, quite nice, but look to the bottom of the stem and you see a big ‘knuckle’.”
“This lady was snapped mid veg by accident. She was completely on her side and connected to the main stem by a few fibers and a sliver of ‘skin’. The ‘connected’ tissue was around 1mm, (around the thickness of a credit card).
“She was roughly taped upright with some very haphazard wrapping with electrical tape and forgotten about. Not only is she looking pretty good, (for a small pot and relatively modest light), she’s not at all delayed or less healthy than her sisters. I guess the message is never give up…”
Light Bleaching – most common with high-power LEDs, but can also happen poorly ventilated HPS lights that are kept too close to the tops of the plants. Basically, this is what happens when plants get too much light, kinda like how hair on top of your head can turn lighter if you spend a lot of time in the sun.
Buds which have been bleached tend to be low potency or even have no potency (no available THC or other cannabinoids). Therefore you should avoid light-bleaching your plants at all costs!
Sometimes light-bleached cannabis will get mis-labeled as “albino cannabis” or “white cannabis” but the truth is that the white color is not healthy, so this is not a desirable trait (even if it looks pretty cool).
Sap – there’s lots of speculation about what it is. No one knows for sure. Many growers who have run into this agree that the type of sap produced is sweet and doesn’t contain much (if any) THC. It is mostly made of sugar and water and so is not smokable. Seems to be related to the plant over-producing sugars, and sap productions is more common when
Using sugar supplements like molasses, Botanicare Sweet, Sugar Daddy, etc.
Big temperature difference between night and day, especially if it gets cold at night
Certain strains or individual plants seem more likely to produce sap
“Strain: Kosher Kush. Flowered her for 70 days and she was covered in trichs. When we harvested her we noticed about a dozen of these sap like globes. They range in color from clear to amber.”
“The plants had already been flushed properly – I let the soil dry completely and fed the plants 2TBSP/gallon of molasses, let them eat and then flushed them out again and waited 2-3 days before harvest. Both plants started producing excretions all over. I’ve seen this before, sap leaking from the stem of plants, however personally I’ve never seen it on the buds themselves. What I believe happened is the pores of the plants either get clogged and therefore “pop” for lack of a better word. Or, the plant liked the molasses better than it’s natural sugars and forced some of those out. Either way I’m going to try this on another plant and see what happens. Is there a benefit to it? Probably not, but I’m going to get the substance tested. I’ve ingested all of the little sap pockets I’ve found and while it tastes like canna, it doesn’t seem physchoactive. Who knows, it could be loaded with CBD or something else.”
Stem Sap (more common) – often appears to seep out of injured parts of the stem, but not always! Sometimes sap seems to ooze out of uninjured parts of the stem.
What’s interesting about this case is that the plant naturally did something that the grower would normally have to do themselves. Cannabis plants normally grow in a triangle tree shape, and growers often must cut or train the plant in order to grow more low and bushy.
Growers sometimes accomplish a low and bushy growth pattern with a plant training technique known as “topping.” Learn more about topping
Here’s two normal young cannabis plants, each with a regular growth tip (set of leaves) at the top:
Normal cannabis plants
So to get rid of this top growth node, a grower would normally cut it off, like this
Now the following plant had a strange mutation…
This plant randomly grew a leaf instead of a growth node, so it naturally topped itself, take a look!
View more pictures of this unique plant: http://imgur.com/a/PqpTu
Check It Out!
Fact: Certain Strains Are Easier to Grow Than Others
3 Recommended strains for beginners
Motavation – hardy and short strain that produces – even if you run into problems, she’ll bounce back quickly.
Aurora Indica – potent indica that is easy to grow.
BlackJack – get the effects of a Sativa or Haze with a plant that is actually suited to indoor growth, short and easy to train. BlackJack produces a potent soaring effect that hits hard, fast and is long-lasting – unbelievable number of trichomes on the buds and leaves. Suitable for medicinal purposes.
Beginners – Avoid these strains!
The following strains are considered “advanced” and while they produce amazing buds, thy tend to be difficult to grow and/or finicky
Durban Poison – Tends to grow tall and shows a variety of unusual phenotypes, can be tough to clone. You don’t know what to expect when growing a Durban Poison seed. This strain originates from Africa and buds produce a unique “up” effect. Buds tend to be incredibly potent though not often “pretty” in the conventional sense with longer sugar leaves. Unusually quick to harvest, especially for a Sativa-leaning strain.
Jack Herer – Famous medicinal strain that is great for anti-anxiety, you cannot get the original Jack Herer strain as a feminized seed so you will need to buy regular (unfeminized) seeds and manually pick out all the male plants. Yields are on the smaller side but the quality of the buds produced are exceptional.
Liberty Haze – Genetics are not completely stable and many growers report different growth types with this strain. Can stretch tall in the initial stages of flowering, though does seem to respond well to supercropping. Unique flowery scent with citrus lime undertones. Unlike what breeder specs state, this strain needs about 10-12 weeks in flowering before she’ll be ready for harvest. When grown right, this strain produces thick dense colas with THC levels above 25%.
Ready to Start Growing for the New Year?
Get Your Stuff!
First, choose your grow type…
- Ultra Small, Cheap & Stealthy: DIY Space Bucket
Setup Cost: ~ $100
- Easy First Grow: Coco Coir & CFL Grow Lights
Setup Cost: ~ $300
- Go Pro with HIDs: MH/HPS Grow Lights
Setup Cost: ~ $400- $1000+
- Mad Scientist: LED Grow Lights
Setup Cost: ~ $400-1300+
This constant movement is something that all plants do, and is known as “Circumnutational Movement” (wikipedia link).
Nothing can really show you as well as watching a time-lapse video:
This video shows several incredible time-lapse videos of growing cannabis plants, set to music
Think about this: plants see you.
In fact , plants monitor their visible environment all the time. Plants see if you come near them; they know when you stand over them. They even know if you’re wearing a blue or a red shirt. They know if you’ve painted your house or if you’ve moved their pots from one side of the living room to the other.
Of course plants don’t “see” in pictures as you or I do. Plants can’t discern between a slightly balding middle-aged man with glasses and a smiling little girl with brown curls.
But they do see light in many ways and colors that we can only imagine. Plants see the same ultraviolet light that gives us sunburns and infrared light that heats us up. Plants can tell when there’s very little light, like from a candle, or when it’s the middle of the day, or when the sun is about to set into the horizon.
Plants know if the light is coming from the left, the right, or from above. They know if another plant has grown over them, blocking their light. And they know how long the lights have been on.
This is an except from What a Plant Knows: A Field Guide to the Senses by Daniel Chamovitz. I highly recommend this book if you want to learn more about plants and exactly how they perceive the world!
Environmental sex determination is known to occur with cannabis plants. Many researchers have suggested that sex in Cannabis is determined or at least strongly influenced by environmental factors. Ainsworth reviews that treatment with auxin and ethylene have feminizing effects, and that treatment with cytokinins and gibberellins have masculinizing effects. It has been reported that sex can be reversed in Cannabis using chemical treatment.
Learn more about cannabis sex determination on wikipedia.
Here’s an cannabis plant that produced 11 pounds 3 ounces worth of bud – grown in a 400 pound smart pot and filled with Vermisoil.
Look at the base of a cannabis plant this size, it looks just like a tree trunk with bark!
Life Finds A Way
“My friend accidentally grew this in her sink. How is this even possible?”
Seedlings have enough energy (“food”) stored in the seed to make their first set of leaves. After that, they need light and nutrients to grow further. Unfortunately, this seedling won’t make it unless transplanted to a more suitable growing environment.
Bonus pic: Closeup look at cannabis trichomes – some of these ones are touched with purple
A New York Times bestseller in both hardcover and paperback.
One of NPR’s Favorite Books of 2010.
Winner of the 2011 SSTAR Consumer Book Award (Society for Sex Therapy & Research), and the Foundation for the Scientific Study of Sexuality’s Harriet and Ira Reis Theory Award in Sexology for 2011.
A Best Book of 2010 (Audible.com).
“The single most important book about human sexuality since Alfred Kinsey unleashed Sexual Behavior in the Human Male on the American public in 1948.”
— Dan Savage
“Funny, witty, and light . . . the book is a scandal in the best sense, one that will have you reading the best parts aloud and reassessing your ideas about humanity’s basic urges well after the book is done.”
“[Sex at Dawn] helps put the ‘human’ back in ‘human sexuality.’”
— AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists)
On an almost daily basis we are inundated with stories about the collapse of the latest celebrity marriage—and infidelity is almost always the cause of the break up. Is it even possible for two people to stay together happily over an extended period of time? Since Darwin’s day, we’ve been told that sexual monogamy comes naturally to our species. But it doesn’t, and never has.
Mainstream science—as well as religious and cultural institutions—has long maintained that men and women evolved in nuclear families where a man’s possessions and protection were exchanged for a woman’s fertility and fidelity. But this narrative is collapsing. Fewer and fewer couples are getting married and divorce rates keep climbing while adultery and flagging libido drag down even seemingly solid marriages.
In SEX AT DAWN, renegade researchers Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá debunk almost everything we “think we know” about sex.
Ryan and Jethá show how our promiscuous past haunts our current struggles regarding monogamy, sexual orientation, and family dynamics. Some of the themes they explore include:
• why long-term fidelity can be so difficult for so many;
• why sexual passion tends to fade even as love deepens;
• why many middle-aged men risk everything for an affair;
• why homosexuality persists in the face of standard evolutionary logic; and
• what the human body reveals about the prehistoric origins of modern sexuality
Ryan and Jethá show that our ancestors lived in egalitarian groups that shared food, child care, and often, sexual partners. Weaving together convergent, often overlooked evidence from anthropology, archeology, primatology, anatomy, and psychosexuality, the authors show how far from human nature sexual monogamy really is. They expose the ancient roots of human sexuality while pointing toward a more optimistic future illuminated by our innate capacities for love, cooperation, and generosity.
In the tradition of the best historical and scientific writing, SEX AT DAWNunapologetically upends unwarranted assumptions and unfounded conclusions while offering a revolutionary understanding of why we live and love as we do. A controversial, idea-driven book that challenges everything you know about sex, marriage, family, and society.
Paperback edition was released on July 5, 2011.
Sex at Dawn is available now in the U.S, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Finland, Spain, and Korea. Coming soon in Japanese, Chinese, Polish, Ukrainian, Russian, Romanian, Slovenian, Czech, and Albanian. If you know any publishers in Germany, France, Italy, or Portugal, tell them to get with the program already!
The stereotype goes that when it comes to sex, men are as simple-minded as dogs. (“Come on, we all know guys are only after one thing!”) Well, as someone with a few years’ experience as a dominatrix and phone sex operator, I’m here to tell you that could not possibly be more wrong. Male desire ranges from the merely kinky to the incredibly bizarre, and men are often so tortured by it that they’re not comfortable talking to anyone about it — not their closest friends, and certainly not their wives.
But they are comfortable talking to me, and here’s what I’ve found over the years …
#5. Certain Fantasies Are Way, Way More Common Than You’d Think
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Before becoming a professional phone sex operator and in-person ball crusher, I knew that men thought about sex a lot — but I didn’t realize just how deep and creative their fantasies could be. Inside every pervert beats the heart of a Tolstoy.
And sometimes they want to be beat with War and Peace.
Phone sex isn’t cheap, at least good phone sex isn’t, and in-person dom sessions can at the high end cost as much as a used car. So the vast majority of my clientele are upper-middle-class guys in their 40s to 60s — I have a slew of doctors, lawyers, professors, business executives, and even a minister or two, all of whom have elaborate fantasy worlds they seem to use as a kind of relief valve to alleviate some of the stress of their high-power positions. I’m just the Sherpa that guides them through their kink.
For instance, one thing that hit me about this job is the insane amount of men who fantasize about being feminized and humiliated, or forced to cross dress. Men cross-dress for a ton of different reasons, but the most surprising thing is just how incredibly common it is. In my daily life, I find myself looking at guys’ asses to check for panty lines. And I find them, constantly.
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“Boyshorts, dude. Support and concealment.”
I’d also say about 75 percent of my callers have homosexual-type fantasies, a lot of whom hate that they have them. I had a caller the other day get freaked out that he was getting so turned on by the thought of getting down on his knees and sucking his girlfriend’s (fantasy) cock. He hung up, then called back to apologize. I had to tell him that fantasizing about a dick in your mouth doesn’t necessarily make you gay (“Honey, calm down. Most cultures consider the phallus a symbol of power. You may just getreally turned on about submitting to your girlfriend”).
If that makes it sound like what I do is more a form of therapy than a sexual outlet, well, it’s both. But we’ll come back to that in a moment …
#4. The Fetishes Often Have Shockingly Little to Do With Sex
When you think of phone sex, you probably imagine a woman’s breathy voice saying that she’s lying on her bed, wearing her favorite black lace lingerie, and that you sound so hot she just has to touch herself. After that, you get a soundtrack to your wank session composed of moaning and her telling you what a stud you are.
In real life, not so much. I’ve found most guys would rather watch free porn than spend $1.99 per minute for something so mundane (thanks Internet), so the guys who call me are looking for … something a little different.
“You’re a fuck dragon; your name is Falcor. I start scratching you behind your ear …”
Like the shrinking fetishists. That’s a really common phone fantasy — they like me to describe them shrinking down to about an inch in height, give or take, then picking them up, dropping them in the toilet, and flushing them away. Then there’s the vore guys (as in “carnivore”) — guys who fantasize about being eaten. I have one who likes me to describe how I will truss him up, put him in a big roasting pan (complete with chopped-up carrots, potatoes, celery, and onions), sprinkle him with salt and pepper (he always manages to sneeze for me when we get to that part), baste him in butter (“Ohhh it’s sooo slippery isn’t it, having that butter drip all over your body …”), and pop him in the oven (at 450 degrees).
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Slow and low at 275 if it’s payday.
Sometimes I get to play a more traditional sex icon, like with the guy who likes me to be dressed as a Playboy bunny … then magically turn him into a carrot, use the carrot as a dildo, and eat him (the grossest part is he wants me to dip him in ranch dressing to eat … I hate ranch). And it’s my job to walk him through it, in extreme detail. “Close your eyes. I want you to feel the tips of your fingers getting longer, your legs merge together, an orange tinge comes to your skin, your hair gets leafy.”
“Rinse me, but don’t peel … leave it a little dirty …”
Then there are the looners (as in “balloon fetishists,” not “lunatics”). They like to hear balloons being blown up and popped. That’s it — I have taken calls on my cellphone while walking into a store, buying a 100 pack of balloons, sitting in my car blowing them up, then popping them. All of them.
In real life I always use a condom.
And then there’s the yak guy. He just wants me to carry on our conversation in the language of the yak people. We talk about the weather, sports, news, music, and movies all in a made-up yak language. It’s hard to find somebody who’ll play along with something like that, without judging, or getting weirded out. That’s why I have a job.
Some of these fetishes I understand, some I don’t — I understand how the endorphin rush of pain might turn someone on (it doesn’t do anything for me, personally). Ditto the guys who like the hardcore degradation — physical and emotional pain is felt by the same part of the brain. But the truth is, whether they use the word “paraphilia,” “fetish,” or “interest,” scientists are only just starting to catalog the vast, weird (moist) panoply of desire.
#3. Maintaining the Illusion Is Crucial to Them
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The actual work itself — whether on the phone or in person — is actually the easiest part of this job. Marketing is where things get tough, because it involves maintaining a number of concurrent illusions. My clients can choose from six “characters,” and each of these girls has her own life. Each of my characters has a blog and a twitter, and I update both several times a week. So-and-so isn’t available to talk Monday through Friday until after 5 pm, because she is a high school biology teacher, and so-and-so isn’t available on Friday night because she is a 22-year-old party girl. Then I’ll go to different fetish message boards, Yahoo groups, and chat rooms and participate in those communities with a link back to my blog or profile.
JDate, Christian Mingle
I’m on JDate and Christian Mingle.
So while the nice thing about this job is being my own boss, the hard thing about it is also being my own employees. When you’re on social media, you’re acting at the same time as you’re advertising your services and performing market research to figure out which fetish stocks are more erect right now. It’s not an easy job, but it does have some serious perks.
I love football (go Steelers!) and so do a lot of my guys. This has turned into a pretty lucrative business opportunity over the years. I’ll talk with clients ahead of time and tailor a bunch of rules to their kink. Some guys like orgasm control, so every touchdown they’ll have something new to do without, uh, finishing. One toy I use is this device called the “humbler,” which stretches a client’s balls back for easy swatting. I’ve done paid in-person sessions during football games where I’d use that on the client every time there was a fumble or a turnover.
I’ve included this picture of a humbler because it’s the only one that doesn’t actively show balls.
If you’re wondering at what point in that process we actually have sex, well …
#2. Being a Dominatrix Doesn’t Involve Intercourse
Many people think that being a dominatrix means being a high-end prostitute. I mean no offense to prostitutes, but that is not my job. I’ve never ever had sex with any of my clients, and I never ever would.
Which means I’m just like every other profession that’s completely misrepresented in porn.
That’s not what it’s about, and in fact that would actually ruin our whole dynamic, if they were to see me in a vulnerable, naked state. There’s a reason why you picture black leather or latex catsuits when you think of a dominatrix. Contact between in-person clients and myself would, at most, mean letting them be a human footstool or getting a well-placed slap across their little bitch faces. Once again, for many guys, it’s not about the sex act — it’s something much more complicated. A need they can’t get filled anywhere else.
Now, there are guys who do want to cross that line — some have trouble seeing the difference between me, the real person, and the character they’re paying to stick clothespins on their cock. That’s one reason I’ve actually phased out most of my in-person domming sessions in favor of phone sessions, because hey, I get to work in my PJs. I work for a phone sex company as well as owning my own business working through a platform, so my take-home pay is between 70 cents and $1.19 per minute for my time. For physical sessions, I usually charge between $100 or $200 per hour. It’s good money, and none of it requires showing off any more skin than the average nun.
Aleksandrs Tihonovs/iStock/Getty Images
And shit, if that’s what they want, I can do that too.
Think about that — all that time, and all that money, working through men’s sexual fantasies, and there’s never any actual nudity or actual sex. I’m just helping people act on the sexual fantasies in their mind, involving fetishes so specific and peculiar they’d never naturally come across another person who shares them. Which again brings us around to the real reason I stay so busy …
#1. For Many Guys, This Is the Therapy They’re Not Getting Elsewhere
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You’d be surprised how much time I spend talking to my clients. Well, obviously, but I mean talking. You know the kind of talking the stereotypical girlfriends of the world always want. Emotional support is a much bigger aspect of the job than you’d expect. Not only do I have to get the guys off, I have to then assure them afterward that they aren’t weird.
Keep in mind sometimes they have just instructed me to tell them the exact opposite.
That’s why I work really hard on trying to understand the fetishes my clients have. For balloon popping, it’s the anticipation; for the shrinking guys, it’s the loss of power; for the yak guy … actually I haven’t figured that one out yet. Psychotherapists are starting to recognize the value sex work can play in therapy, though. Australia’s currently gripped in a debate over whether or not their national disability insurance should cover “sex surrogates” (if you’re interested, there’s a documentary called Scarlet Road you should watch).
I’ve had guys who were coming out to their family who came to me first for support, to get pumped up. I’ve had a guy stop in the middle of a call and start crying, because he missed his ex-wife and needed to talk about it. I’ve given relationship advice — hell I have even checked out guys’ online dating profiles so I could give them pointers from a woman’s perspective.
“Don’t mention produce or bovine animals until at least the fifth date.”
I actually had one client who was into extreme humiliation — he was black, and racial degradation was his particular turn-on. I got so hard on him during one session that he broke down and started crying. I wound up learning that he’d grown up in a very strict household, where men weren’t allowed to show emotion. Our session was the first time he’d ever broken down and cried about all of the horrible stuff he’d encountered as a kid. Getting that emotional release helped him deal with some demons. He never did another session with me, but he thanked me by email afterward, and now every week for the last few years he’s sent me a $100 check as thanks.
Related Reading: Still feeling sexy? We wrote an article with an actual real-life prostitute to make that feeling better, uh, informed. We also talked to a cop about his crazy stories, because Cracked listens to BOTH sides of the law. If you’d like to get pissed off, take a look inside the Troubled Teen industry. And if you’ve got a story to share with Cracked, you can tell it here.
In a good news/bad news twist for men, a side-effect free male birth control pill is being developed in mice, and may soon be ready for a human test run. Photo from Feminspire.
In a good news, bad news situation for men, science is on the verge of perfecting a recent development in reproductive choice. The good news is that there may soon be an effective contraceptive pill that men can take, rather than undergo a vasectomy. The bad news is that men will then have to shoulder more day-to-day responsibility for family planning. There’s also confusing news — for conservatives. The development poses a conundrum: they may have to decide whether to try and block men’s access to healthcare, as they have with women.
The pill disables the delivery system but preserves sperm
Australian researchers have worked out a technique that keeps the body from delivering sperm to semen in mice. They’ve identified two proteins that can be disabled to keep sperm from moving from the testes into the ejaculate. The brain simply doesn’t get the message to turn the sperm loose. Disabling the proteins doesn’t affect libido, performance, or eventual procreation. It simply keeps the exit door closed for the millions of sperm that would normally make a break for freedom at the time of ejaculation. Their little lives are spared, to possibly swim another day.
For women, handing birth control over to men would eliminate the risk of side effects from taking hormone-based birth control pills. These side effects include an increased potential for migraines, strokes, blood clots, and heart attacks. The male version doesn’t depend on manipulating hormones. So far, it’s devoid of significant side effects.
There is a downside but it’s not physical effects
The biggest downside is that the pill would have to be taken every day. Or course, that’s what women already do, but a 2011 poll by England’s Anglia Ruskin University showed that 52% of women surveyed wouldn’t trust their partners to remember to take it daily. Only 17% of male respondents had that same concern. About the same percentage of men expressed the worry that taking the pill would damage their ‘manly image’.
Of course, there’s another downside, depending on point of view. If birth control is literally in the hands of men, the religious right has one less weapon with which to bludgeon women into submission. How can females be controlled if it’s their male partners who are popping the pill? How can insurance deny birth control to women without also denying it to men? Guess the Heritage Foundation will have to work that one out.
Reasonable men are more likely to focus on the advantages. Effectiveness is one. While the female birth control pill is an impressive 98-99% effective, the one being tested with mice has been 100% effective. That might give men something to ponder: zero chance of unexpected parenthood, as long as they remember to take the pill. Since the medication won’t be ready for human consumption for at least 10 years, there’s plenty of time to reflect on its advantages. First and foremost is the fact that it would protect from harm the women that men love. Who wouldn’t like that — other than the GOP, that is?