Is Thanksgiving the un-sexiest holiday ever? Maybe. Unless the possibility of drunken sex with your tipsy divorced aunt or uncle trips your trigger, of course.
But America — back when it really was America — was not going to be dictated to by prudes trying to keep the hawtness out of the day. The pin-up industry worked hard to come up with turkey-themed product, and the results were….odd, to say the least.
It helps, of course, that a turkey is perhaps the least-sexiest animal imaginable, outside of a camel. But even if the photographers just stuck with a Pilgrim theme, you can still feel the desperation.
Here are 12 attempts to bring sexy back to Thanksgiving.
So the Pilgrims were into a little handcuff/S&M? It would have livened up every high school production of The Crucible.
“Check out dis ass, fellas!!!” (Helpful locator arrow included.) And isn’t the whole point of Thanksgiving the peaceful celebrating between Pilgrims and Native Americans? On the other hand, it wouldn’t be the last time a Thanksgiving dinner devolved into violence.
10. A beer bong!
Or maybe it’s a blunderbuss. Because, you know, that turkey could go into kung-fu self-defense mode any second now.
9. Suck on this
Marilyn Monroe taunts a turkey over his imminent, blood-spattered demise.
8. A modern take
A noble attempt to keep the dying art of Making Thanksgiving Sexy alive for a new generation.
7. Don’t bogart that peace pipe
That look on her face tells it all. Turn up the Phish, dude.
6. A frantic last-second plea to spare a life
“Swimsuit lady, I’ll do whatever you say! Just let me live!!” (We’d honestly bet that this picture, with her holding a glass of water, is referencing the old ‘turkeys drown in the rain” theory. People were weird back then.)
5. The swinging Sixties
“That’s it, baby, rub that turkey all over your naked body…oh, yeah…” We’re guessing the drugs helped.
4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the Early Years
Nothing says “sexy” more than a pin-up, with every square inch of her torso covered, teasing a helpless animal before she takes a huge ax to its neck.
3. Yeah, it’s a stretch
But at least you see some skin.
2. Dancing at the execution
If there’s anything that makes her want to dance, it’s killing a leashed animal and feasting on it. Music, maestro, please!!
1. Seriously, boss — you try making a sexy turkey picture
This artist just threw up his hands, and you can’t blame him.